Single vs Married

If anyone knows me, they will know that I absolutely love to read.  I've been an avid reader my entire life...which leads me to tell you that I got invited to be in book club about 4 or 5 months more or less.  My very good friend from high school asked me to be in it which I happily accepted.  Now, everyone (including my girlfriend) are married with children, and most of the women are a bit older then me as well.  I am the only one in the group that is not married and do not have any children.  So when the subject comes up in book discussions regarding dance meets and practices and school starting I just sit there looking like an idiot haha. 

I can honestly say that it really doesn't bother me...but what bothers me the most is that I feel deep down that they judge me because of that.  (Now just for the record I'm excluding 2 women from this group my girlfriend included)...that's my disclaimer lol.  Now when I told this to my girlfriend she looked puzzled and asked "people judge you?"  Absolutely with a capital A.  I'm a 34 year woman that lives by myself and I don't have any children.  Yes I am in a relationship but considering that we're not cohabiting at the moment it looks as if I just frolic all over the place and can sleep with whomever.  People question my actions....wtf! Can't I just be a little particular?  Do i really have to fall into place as to what society is used to?  Can't I put a little more thought as to who I want my baby daddy to be?  Was I only put on this world to procreate, cook and clean? 

Ok...so back to the book club lol......every time we've met up I have felt an energy from certain women in the group and at this last meeting I wanted to scream...and I'll tell you why.  Now like I said everyone is married....I can't remember exactly what the subject was someone of course was pointing out that I'm single blah blah blah whatever (that's what i was thinking) so this is how the convo went...

my girlfriend: "no she has a boyfriend"

woman:  "oh but technically you're still single".....

ME: "um no I have a boyfriend"

woman:  "well you can still sleep with other people though"

ME: "um no I have a boyfriend and I respect my relationship...married people sleep around too" starts to laugh.

woman:  "well you wouldn't have to get a divorce and stuff"

ME: (giving her a "are you fucking serious" look )

So then the convo goes into flatulence (don't ask me why lol) . everyone is talking and at this point because the subject is disgusting I'm quiet.  

My girlfriend nudges me and says:  "what are your thoughts?"

ME:  "I think it's disgusting and I would never do it in front of my family or boyfriend or anyone"

woman:  "oh that's because you're not married"

ME:  "what does marriage have to do with it?...it's disgusting...period" then giving that (are you fucking serious?) look again lol

Keep in mind that I can go all day and night with these certain convos that fucking irritate me haha.  

Later that night when I dropped off my girlfriend she asked if maybe I was just being a bit over-sensitive that particular moment earlier in the evening.  To be honest, I really couldn't say...maybe I was just fed up.  At the end of the day it's just another pet peeve of mine that can go on a list.  What happens when one day i do get married?  then what will people talk about then?  Do people just find stuff to talk about when there is one person in the mix that's different? 

Insecurity

One of my biggest pet peeves are insecure men.  They feel as if they are not good enough and women have to feel the wrath.  It drives me crazy to the up most fullest!!!  Checking cell phones, and god forbid if you don't pick up the phone if you don't answer.  Wanting to know your every move,  not allowed to hang out friends and/or family, unable to go to functions, and if you were to do any of those things it's a fight.  Your relationship becomes you trying to prove every minute of the day that you're not doing dirt.  It seriously gets exhausting and then you forget why you even fell in love in the first place.  You get treated as a child and it becomes an ongoing battle until somebody becomes the bigger person and calls it quits.  How am I supposed to trust you if you don't even trust me? 

What about the women that allow it to go on and on and on?  Unfortunately I would have to put myself in that category because I have fallen victim to it.  At some point in your life have you?  You ask yourself...what the hell was I thinking? Why didn't I see these signs earlier?  I'll tell you why, it's because that initial meet are like fireworks.  You fall in love with the so-called 'representative' of that person hahaha.  Then when it's safe for the 'representative' to leave, the truth comes out.  Or maybe one person outgrows the other person leaving the guy unsure and confused therefore becoming insecure.  

Just thought I expressed some pent up irritations.  Not in the greatest mood today I guess.

The Gab Attack

Let me tell you about my friend Gabby....this girl is a trip.  I am still asking myself why I even put up with her for all these years.  She has brought me through hell and back twice.  We first met in the summer after I graduated High School in 1995.  I got hired to work at the Wet Seal in the Sherman Oaks galleria and she was my coworker.  She was extremely well put together, well dressed, hair was on point, and a senior in Van Nuys High School.  I will never forget the first time we talked at work....it was a slow day and we were both just kind of hanging around the store doing nothing.  I went up to her and said 'what do you do when it's this slow?' and she said 'I just pat the hangers to make it look like I'm doing something' haha and we've been the closest friends ever since.  The adventures of Gabby began and it went full forced into our 30s lol.

I can honestly write a book about her, and maybe one day I will.  There are so many stories and situations that I  have been in because of her.  In fact, I will create a blog chapter which will focus on all my thoughts of her. We always called ourselves Lucy and Ethel....me being Ethel haha.  Of course at the time way back in day she got the most attention.  She is what you would call the popular one and I was the nerdy one...at the time.  Currently I would say that I'm still a nerd but I don't look like one anymore lol.  Anyhow back in the late 90s we were the best of friends.  She was exciting and daring...that was challenging to me at the time.  She would have my back like no other.....Gabby was amazing to me......

We have known each other for a total of 16 years and now I cannot stand her.  She friggn pisses me off constantly.  Throughout the 16 years that I have known her she has become addicted to drugs, off of drugs, scandalous, flaky, etc.....our friendship has been torn to shreds.  We would try to pick up the bits and pieces here and there, but it just wasn't enough.  When I start hanging out with new friends, she becomes extremely jealous as if she is my boyfriend or something haha.  We've had this interesting on and off again friendship....every time it's on I think 'wow we have so much fun together...hope it lasts' and when it's off I think 'I will NEVER be her friend again this time it's OVER'.  Four, six months will go by and we're hanging out again.  At times I want to say I hate her....but I think it's me avoiding the fact that I'm mad at myself for still being her friend.  She always tells me that I've been that one friend that has stuck by her through all the drama, maybe I'm just the stupid one that just wouldn't let her go.

Her latest stunt (which happened yesterday) still has me wondering why do I still communicate with her??????  She recently had a baby earlier this year Jason Prince Novar Jr.  Since I'm her longest and closest  friend she asked me to be the Godmother to her child.  Now everyone knows I'm not much of a kid person, but I was like ok sure...sounds like fun.  With that said, I threw her an all expense paid baby shower at a Tea Cottage in Woodland Hills, crocheted a baby blanket, and bought her the changing table and matching dresser that she wanted.  Keep in mind that she is a recovering drug user, doesn't work, doesn't have a car, and never has any money.  She had the audacity to text me yesterday (and yes I said text) that she feels that I'm an unfit and incapable of being a Godmother to her child.  I texted back 'huh?' wondering where is this coming from?  She said that she wanted to give the job to her childs father sister Celina.  I just texted back 'ok'.  Now I know Celina (currently on drugs by the way)...I was like wow and just compelled to post on Facebook just to see what kind of feedback I would get.

I seriously didn't think that this whole situation would bother me this much.  She's actually done worse believe it or not.  This morning I was like 'I'm done with this girl...it's over'.....but is it?  It's come to a point that nobody believes me anymore when I tell them I'm through with her haha.  It's funny to everyone now...it's a joke.  One of these days I will prove them wrong, but today I'm just telling a story.

Once again Gabby amazed me.....

The Evolution of Friendship

When I was younger, my mother would always tell me that the older I get the less friends I would have.  I was 10 years old at the time and didn't quite understand that.  I am what you call a social butterfly (so I've been told haha) and I love the concept of friendship...it means a lot to me.  Since I was 10, I've always ran in packs lmao.  I was always apart of clicks, crews, the girls etc...and even at some point in my life, I felt my friends were my world...and then I graduated high school haha.  But when you're younger there are a lot more people with the your common denominator and as you get older, that common denominator gets smaller and smaller until one day you're like WTF haha. 

Once we hit our 20s, in my eyes, there two types of friendships...the nurturing and the non-nurturing.  The nurturing are the ones that we talk to almost everyday and rely on their opinions, suggestions and so forth.  The non-nurturing ones are the ones we can go months without talking to and as soon as we see them, you pick up where you left off.  Now the non-nurturing ones are the ones that usually out last the nurturers.  Ok so once you're in your late 20s, the common denominator starts getting smaller as each one of your friends get pregnant, married, career oriented, etc.  The pack goes from maybe say 10 to 9 to 5 and so forth.  They have evolved into the non-nurturers. 

So now in our 30s we're down to a few friends....at this point we're fully grown and we really get to know each other on a more mature adult level.  That's when you realize everyones true colors and that maybe a couple of them aren't who you thought they were.  You start distancing yourself and come to some sort of decision as to keep them as a non-nurturing friend or just to get rid of them all together. 

Now all while this is going on, you meet new friends here and there...at work, school, bar etc.  Do you ever notice that maybe those are the ones we keep in the wings.  The "just in case" or the "maybe if I wasn't so close to _____"  Because now at this point you're down to one nurturing friend...but no one ever thinks about what happens when THAT common denominator expires or runs out (and I'm not trying to sound mean) but it's true.  Is that when the new friends come in?  Does that mean the cycle starts all over again?  Or is this the time we find ourselves and focus on personal goals and new projects?

The Real ME

To be honest, I never really thought about blogging.  I have years of writing about my life experiences in journals but just never thought about writing online.  In the past year and a half I've put the journal writing on hold and I miss it tremendously.  Every year my life changes so much, that when I reflect on it I am amazed.  My journals know "the real me"...my friends just know what I allow them to know...and my family just think they know me haha.  So here I am giving you "the real me".

Let's start off with telling you that my favorite color is yellow...a lot of people don't know that.  It's a color I rarely wear and don't have too many items in it, but yet it represents sunshine, happiness, and optimism.  At the end of the day I feel like that's what I represent.  My heart is huge....meaning I forgive and forget, I bend backwards for people and I love to help and motivate. 

People I grew up with have these crazy perceptions about me....it seriously cracks me up.  One of them is that I only date men with money so they can pay my bills hahahahaha.  How can anybody think I don't pay my own bills?  I've been working since I was 15 and been addicting to work since then.  I can't imagine not being independent and just want someone to bring just as much as I'm bringing to the table. 

People perceive me has always having it together, and the funny part is I never knew that I did.  I'm trying to get it together now lol.  I am extremely an emotional person, I cry all the time, I put up a front a lot of the times because everyone sees me being an incredibly stong person.  I get depressed too...I'm only human haha and I even find myself asking "will I ever find happiness?" 

I can seriously go on and on...but I'll keep posting.  All in all this is just a little taste of getting to know me.